As a result of his extraordinary hatred and anger, he torments me and causes anguish and pain to rise up within me. I wonder sometimes how I survive the onslaught of his words, words that are meant to inflict pain and fear. Is it no wonder that I have become the woman I am? Is it no wonder that I have developed into an untrusting, fearful, almost demanding woman unflinching in my constant struggle to survive, to protect my children, and ultimately to protect the ugliness of the secret(s) that I have carried?
I do not have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself or my current situation. I need all of my strength and energy to parry every lethal blow from his mouth and every machination he can come up with to maintain control of me. So much has caused me to be paralytic and afraid to stand up to him.
With each new move forward and break with the past he loses another modicum of control and grows more insolent and mean. He delights in referring to himself as a “victim” of my sneaky, behind the back activities and the ongoing conspiracy that exists between my brother and me. I understand and am fully aware that this merely represents one of his manipulative ways to abdicate any and all moral and legal responsibilities to support me and the one child who needs support – our son.
Sometimes I feel the darkness and depression from the constant anxiety and struggle wash over me like some tremendous thundering tsunami wave that engulfs and drowns me. Part of the struggle is to survive that wave, get to the top of the water, and have the strength to get myself to a place of safety. I’m packing now, all of my lovely and not so lovely things that bring back memories not knowing where I’m going.
This is not the first time in my life with this man that I have had to do that. It does not get any easier just because I have had to do it before. Rather, it becomes more difficult especially now that I’m feeling older and more tired – and certainly less sure of myself. That in itself creates immense anxiety and fear. If I dare dwell on that for more than a moment I’m stuck in the quicksand, stuck in a place that I must extricate myself from.
About the author:
I am transitioning from being a wife and mother to a single woman after a 33 year abusive marriage. I am transitioning from so many things I don’t know what to transition from first. I have chosen to write about my experiences as a part of the healing process and hope that my words will help others to recognize themselves, share, and heal as well.
Please share your thoughts on this story by leaving a comment below.
Thank you.
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Great website. A lot of useful information here. I am sending it to a few buddies ans additionally sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks to your effort!
Hi! I just wanted to let you all know that on MDJunction, there is a support board for Emotional Abuse and we deal with a lot of this there. Because we are all going through or have gone through the same thing, you will find lots of understanding and good advice. There is also a support board on MDJ for people in domestic violence situations.
Believe me, whatever you are going through, you are not alone!
Yes you are very courageous. I am very happy that you are taking the steps necessary to free yourself of this abuse. You must never look back. You will always have to live with your guards up if you return to this relationship. I have never been able to leave my husband because I do not have the courage that you do. I am not afraid for my life but he has control over my whole life. I am in constant prayer in hopes God will help me to endure this life. I am constantly trying to make the best of my situation. I find myself feeling sorry for this person and I'm not sure why. I do really love him inspite of it all. I have always worked and took care of all the bills because of my 3 children. My children are all grown up and have children of their own. I am still in the same situation except that I beleive that I am changing because eventhough I still love him very much, I do not let him have complete control over me. I now stand my grounds whenever I feel that it's important. If I don't feel like doing something I just tell him no. I'm not doing all this on my own, I am in constant prayer and God through Jesus Christ is helping me to find my purpose in life. I do have a lot of anger in me and that is another issue I'm taking up with the Lord. God bless you and never forget that no matter what, you are never alone. Jesus is always by your side.
I was in an abusive relationship for 24 years. He died almost 20 years ago. I thought my horror was over I didn't realise how damaged I was. I am just now coming out of my "transe." You and everyone reading this will survive if you don't give up. Look for help and you will find it. !!!!!!!!
First, congratulations on taking the steps to remove yourself from this situation. My sister did the same thankfully, my best friend did not, she was murdered two years ago. I am a life coach and have worked with many women in the same place as you. Sadly there are so many who have been in similar circumstances and yet they are all so different. You are brave beyond words, courageous beyond belief and powerful beyond understanding. I honour you, I salute you, I am inspired by you. Living la vida fearless, Janet
Please know that you can do it and that there are others out here who share your same fears, are going through the same things and will also make it to the other side. We have to. May strength be with you.
I endured verbal, emotional, and threatening (but never actually physical) abuse for 17 years. I felt that I had made a vow and should stick to that vow. With the clearness of hindsight, I realize I should have gotten out years earlier. The damage to my children was unmeasurable. That's their reality and how they believe a relationship should function. I wish I had known that earlier. That is my biggest regret.
sherril,Go with strength, it will carry you in the bad moments, then there will come the moment of release and freedom, take it, move on, you can do it. I did, with much prayer, and knowing there was much more in life to experience,there is sherril, As you move on, you will experience the feeling of NOT being alone, but in a place of trusting God for the next move, He IS there, I know I have been there,and that feeling of not being alone, took me safely into a place of peace, and a knowing of all is well saying to your self, I am NOT alone, with God beside me, I founf my place of peace, and love, and a friend who had been there as I was, she took and trusted God prayed and found her place of peace as i did. He will never leave you or forsake you. My life took a new turn, as i trusted God and found a home, friends true friends who still help when i have a new problem pop up, may God bless you/.. and new friends surround you with love as they did me,. Go girl with God. !!!!
Congratulations for stepping out. I believe that writing things down like this will help many people become aware of their own 'victimisation' Well done. You really are inspitational.
Sherrill,
I wish you the best. Escaping an abusive marriage is extremely difficult, and there is not enough support for those of us who have endured such situations.
A few years ago, I was referred to a counselor because I became depressed after being diagnosed with a debilitating illness.
The "counselor" decided that she needed to go pick my life apart. When the issue of being in an abusive marriage arose, it was my "fault" that I lived in a co-dependent relationship and "enabled" him to be a controlling, abusive alcoholic. It did not matter that I was on a tight-rope financially, that he had alienated me from my friends and family, or that he used my son as a means of controlling me.
Sherrill, I know the fear you felt in leaving and admire your courage to walk out the door. Continue to be strong. I send you love, understanding and support, and I will uplift you in prayer, trusting that you will remain free this time.
I know that sharing your story was painful. Just remember, if your story helps empower even one woman to escape, then your story will be a gift of greater value than you can ever know.
Dear Sherril,
I had to write to you and all the other beautiful ladies who are hurting so much. I am in a beautiful marriage for 32 years, but I have friends and relatives who are or have been in abusive relationships. I know it is hard, and sometimes the only light in the tunnel is that of an oncoming train, or so it seems. Please know, however, that we are all rooting for you and all the ladies who are trying to become dislodged from abusive men. May God give you the strength to stand up and stand out. There is a song by a friend of mine that says "I'm gonna smile again". That is my prayer for you Sherril, and for all the ladies.
P.S. Sherril I would love to send you the cd of that song, please write to me.
After a 23 year marrage and 20 of those being verbally and emotionally abused, I finally got out 8 years ago. I am poor but much happier. I swore off men and became very happy and fulfilled by my self and lo and behold two years latter a real man showed up in my life. After a year of putting him off I am now in a very affectionate, friendly and fulfilling relationship. My two sons like him and he loves them and their children as his own.At age 60 I have sex in my life and it is better than it ever was with the ex. Don't give up. I quit looking and then I found what I needed.
Am so proud of you my lady, many women are in a similar situation now and I believe you have shown them the way to freedom and unending hapiness. Thank you so much for your courage. You are A REAL WOMAN.
Oh! I am so proud of you. When one woman takes a right stand all the women of the world celebrate. I know how difficult it must have been for you, as all of us resist change.No matter how ugly is the situation ,we preffer to stay in the known misery of darkness than to step forward and open an unknown door of happiness. It needs courage and strength. You are a great inspiration to all of us. You taught us something very valuabl , never to compromise when our dignity and honor is at stake. You taught us, all of us have the inner strength to fight the evil no matter how old we are. It is never too late.You taught us, all of us have a birth right to live in peace and dignity and no body can take this away from us. Love you and God bless.
I have been married to my verbally abusive husband for 29 years, and it only gets worse. He goes out into public and everyone thinks he so wonderful-except his kids and me. I got away from him once and could kick myself for going back. He keeps 2 loaded guns in the closet and there's nothing I can do about it. I even told him he shouldn't have them around because of our 3 year old grandson. He is money crazy and we live on a farm and he wants me to take life estate. I won't, but I'm scared to file for divorce because of the guns.
It takes guts and courage to walk away. I too have been in marriage of 21 years with a man whose mouth is filled with so much hatred, whose suffers from deep depression and won’t seek help, only to abuse those his claims to love. It’s hard to walk away especially when children are involved. Keep your chin up and know that you will learn to dance in the rain.
Debby
Congratulations!! You can do it. If you fall, need a friend the world will help you. Believe!!!
I am overwhelmed and gratified that so many have spoken out. It was the intention of the post not only to share about myself but it was a way to encourage others to share in a safe place. Talking about it, sharing our common experiences and fears helps us to heal. I would like to encourage women to come together, here, and share what has gone unspoken and to begin the healing process because it begins with each one of us. Let us say to ourselves, I Can Do This, and to all of us, We Can Do This…
Proud of you Sheri. I left an abusive marriage after 37 years. One of the hardest things I have ever done. I have been living on my own for the past year and have felt scared, lonely, confused…all of it. I am trying to find happiness and have met a man who does make me happy. But I'm afraid to commit emotionally and don't want to settle for the first one to come into my life(been there done that). So, I'm afraid to lose this wonderful man and afraid to not date others in case I might be missing something. Very confusing!
Sherrill – You Go Girl! My thoughts and prayers are with you to stay focused on your courageous journey. Life is too short to be shackled with abuse. I applaud your courage and strength. God bless! =)
Good for you Sherill
You will find that life has a lot more beautiful enjoyable experiences than you have tried.
Give yourself time to adjust to the sunshine. Do not let your past deprive you of the future. Consider it dead and leave it behind.
And never accept a similar negative partner again
Part 2: I have horrible mood swings. Sometimes standing up for yourself can make things a lot worse. But, IT MUST BE DONE! My daughter and I are struggling to survive but we will somehow make it. I'm learning to embrace and honor my pain and fear. There is healing in the process. I wish you strength, healing, happiness and healthy abundance. I wish for you true friends, the ability to love and trust again and your own personal success. Bless you on your journey to wholeness and freedom.
Congratulations Sherrill! Hooray for you! I am in the same situation but for 38 years. I know that people who aren't in abusive relationships have a difficult time understanding how we get trapped. I think it's a lot like the Stockholm Syndrome. I am struggling to understand it myself. Last year I finally got the courage to end it all but he managed to jump ahead of me and file for divorce first so he looks like the victim. One of his many control tactics. To say he is a control freak is putting it mildly. In my case I came from an abusive background and people like him were all I knew. I am now trapped in a divorce that is going nowhere. I am out of money for anything, including an attorney. The attorney I chose lied to me and messed up my case while taking all the money I had.
I left after 36 years of hell then finding him in bed with my "best" friend. All I thought was what a waste of my life and you are right it is very very very hard to start again at the age of 60 with no money no job and on your own. But having said that, I am amazed as to what a woman of substance I am and what great strength and persistance I have and I only hope that I one day meet someone with whom I can share my life with who will love me dearly, and hold me and believe in me. My ex husband was so sneackily abusive like never using my name, never complimenting me, stealing money from me to spend on underwear for his new tart etc. I am well rid of him but would have liked a few more years so that in my old age and when I am able to retire I can support myself and do not have to do the degrading thing of replying on my children to support me. I do however have the most wonderful girl friends who are like angels from above. Women power!!!!
When I was reading what you have to say, It still amazes me that there are so many woman and men that Live the same as you and I have lived so many years. I was married for 45 years and almost everyday was abusive. I had 5 children with this man, and everyday I was having to protect My children and myself from his wrath. After all the kids were gone and moved away, I thought that it might get some better, But it stayed the same. And one day I just said I am done. I filed for divorce and it took a year to get it finalized, I think he is still in shock, He begs me to take him back almost daily. I don't know from one day to the next what I will do, I have never been alone in my life. More than anything else, I am so angry. I am a good person, I gave him and our kids my all. and it was never enough. If I could get over the anger, maybe I could learn to trust again…..Don't waste your life hoping that your mate will change, That is my biggest regret that I didnt get away from him sooner….
I am free also, after 36 years. I am so glad to see that verbal abuse is mentioned. I had to leave, I think I was being killed, I have cancer and had a kidney remover and they found more tumors. My husband became even more controlling,and keeping care of me and getting rid of my family. I finally got some of my strength back and left him when he was in a drunken support. I pruned him into the police and they wanted me to talk to him to calm him down, I asked them what about abuse don't you know. I talked to him and he flipped me off and said thanks, I asked him if that was all he wanted to say and he said yes, I then turned to the police and said I was out of here for good. I really haven't had any help from anywhere but my family, not the post office, making my husband send me my mail, I was in hiding, They gave him my mailing address. I will make it but it is hard, I am afraid for my life, I know God is there to help me but I am still scared. Thank you for having the courage to leave, I know I am right, I just want to be totally FREE.
As women , we are not supposed to accept to be victims in any sense , our natural love , patience and understanding for our family members and friends , is really part of our blessed strength, God granted , which should be always protected by creating our awarness of self respect , and the boundaries between us and others.
Only then we can communicate with love and understanding , through self respect , cultivating transperncy with our husbands and our children as well , LET each of us make it CLEAR where is the RED line in our relationships, so that our femenin qualities would NOT be interpreted as submission or weakness of any kind .
women are life and love bearers , No place for aggrition or abuse. God bless you all .Maia
Thanx a ton for sharing!!! This would definitely help a lot of women to break the boundaries and live a happy and contended life!!! Pray that god give you the strength to move forward and never look back.
Good luck.
Love & Stength
Wonderful article! Thank you for sharing your story. I too am currently in transition, slept at my new place last night.!!!!!!I have a lot of work ahead of me and I am looking forward to the journey! 6 years was long enough for me. Freedom never felt so amazing!
I am happy that you choose to make the move. It will be hard at first, but it's workable. Take it from someone who have been there and done that. You will get stronger if you stay positive. Keep telling yourself that you are strong, even when you feel weak. You will be able to smile again and as the saying goes 'better to be late than never'. You could have decided to lay down and play dead, but you didn't. You got up, pack and moving. Try also to find a support group who is positive, you will need that. When I moved out I had no where in particular to go. All my funiture was let in the backyard of my sister's house and she offered me and my three year old a bed. That was good enough. The rain came and wet the furniture and the sun dry them, but guess what I had peace of mind because you can live to replace the material things. When you lose courage, self-esteem, joy, peace, all those things are hard to replace. So my prayers are with you. Just GO!
Sheri, cogratulations on choosing to break that chain and setting yourself free.Surround yourself with good people who love you and with time you will heal. Lol,…
Surrounding yourself with supportive loving people who value your worth is the key.
We are not alone. There are many women in abusive relationships, some have gotten out, some are trying to get out. This is a great web site for support. Power to the woman!
Brilliantly written Sheri….To bare your soul must have been painful, but not as painful as what you had to endure with that MONSTER….May your writing be cathartic and out of that bring you much peace of mind, happiness and freedom…Mzltv
May the divine guide you and help you dear. I have the same fate but i have searched abode in the lap of the divine. I am still staying with him despite all his astrocities but it was a silent struggle and i feel i am empowered spiritually. And I have him plus peace and stability in my life and career. My two sons aged 24 and 21 are cultivated young graduates. I am happy for them and me I fulfilled my responsibilities.
Don’t worry don’t try to change him but change yourself. Trust me our kids needs strong mothers and cheer up be a model take control of your life and your son. Go bless u
DEW
Congratulations on a courageous step. It is never too late to leave the past behind, not even after 33 years.
There are services out there that can help you put things in perspective. Here are a few that I found helpful for myself in my journey to move beyond DV.
You might consider using art as a healing tool. Last year 56,000 women and children used this simple tool to help themselves express the nightmare of DV and then move to hope for a future. You can get some ideas by going to http://www.awbw.org I did a lot of drawing and writing with my non dominant hand. My journals gave me a safe place to express. (but not if you still live with an abuser.)
Also a Google search for the domestic violence and control wheel will help you frame what you’ve lived through. It’s a great tool that really opened my eyes.
Lastly, you are not alone! It’s never too late to fall in love with yourself in such a deep way that you’ll be filled the awe and appreciation for yourself. From that willingness to protect myself from the cutting words and deeds, I found deep inner strength to grow and love again. I wish you all that and so much move.
Emotionally I believed that I was alone in my nightmare of a life until I was given the "safe" opportunity to begin to share some of my story. It was then I realized that of course there were many others who like me were in relationships that were destructive and for whatever reason couldn't or didn't get out. I asked myself of those women who did get out, how did they do it??? I have discovered that for me it was one cataclysmic event that pushed me to do what I should (dangerous word) have done so many years earlier. When my husband attempted to rape me the little voice in me that was left said, "NO MORE". I tried to the best of my ability to take charge but so many of my plans fell through and I've been swimming against the tide for the last several months. I don't know why I keep trying because there are so many times when I'd like to give up but some how I get up the next morning and have enough strength to face the day. Writing has helped me to get out of me what's been locked up for so long. I am hopeful that it will help you and many others. I have much more to share and will post some in this forum hoping that others will read it, relate, and find what they need.
Can we do this? Can we put ourselves back together and blossom? Can we heal? If we talk, if we share, if we have the support of one another- YES WE CAN DO THIS…
Hi Sherrill. I ´ve passed through all your story, just I feel you are telling my story. I decided to quit him after 40 years, because He had convinced me that I wasn´t able to earn a decent living by myself and that I was completely inefficient in all matters.
At last, I decide to work out my independence. I wrote a plan of what I had toget to free myself and followed it step by step. He wouldn´t let me take anything from the house, so I left with the most necessary elementes with the help of my friends, my sister and daughters.
Little by little I could furnish my home and now, I´m very happy, free and I recovered my selfsteem.
I hope my experience me help others, now that I know there are many women in this situation
Hi
I read your story, mine is very much the same. I was married 32 years, to a abusive alcoholic. The day I finally left, was the best day of my life. And I try to tell anyone is the same situation go do not look back.
Thanks Gina
Wow! What a compelling story. I am right now – in transition – dealing with a abusive relationship. I have known this man for 19 years. I have been married to him for 13 of those years. I am in the wishy-washy stage – as they tend to start doing the right thing when they think you're leaving. I commend your courage in this situation. It's a very scary and confusing time! God be with you!
When I was going through a similar struggle, a good friend told me about an acquaintance of him: This woman endured over 30 years of [verbal] violence and abuse 'because of the children'. And then her -then adult- children told her "Why didn't you leave him? It would have been better ALSO for us; we were ALSO going through hell". If I were to hear from my children "Why did you/why didn't you leave?" anyway, I took the decision to have peace of mind and be with them by myself. It was haaaaaaaaaard, veeeeeeery haaaaaaaard! My children have now a good rapport with their father and I couldn't be happier about their wonderful, loving relationship with me. God helps! All the angels do their work! We just have to let them help us!
Way to go girl! Thank you for sharing your story. May you get off the roller coaster ride with ease and jump through that hoop landing both feet on the ground. Writing is a healer…even if you never share your thoughts with anyone. Breathing settles the nerves. Trusting the unknown gets you there…
Sheri a wonderful way to get this out and start on your road to helping others. God Bless, Lynette
Have faith and lean on those who love you- family, friends…no one can make such a move without feeling some anxiety and also some relief. It is normal to feel angry, feel self-doubt but thru it all remember to love yourself. God bless.
Sherrill,
Thanks for sharing and continue to be the strong, fabulous woman you are! By being open, you will allow others to recognize themselves and hopefully move on. I too survived an abusive marriage. The pieces you pick up of yourself now will become an even better, stronger version of you!
wow!!!!!
well written from the heart. my prayers are with you. you are such a couragous and amazing woman. my heart is with you.
Thank you so much for sharing that. I am sorry you had to endure so much for so long but I am glad to know that you found the courage to finally move on and start a new life. You are an inspiration to women everywhere living in abusive situations. It shows that no mattter how long it has been, you can get out. You can take the steps, just one at at time, to get out and start building a life of happiness and contentment.
Oh, ,I am so proud of you. When one woman take a right stand, we all women celebrate her victory.I know how hard it must have been to take a decision so late in your life. We resist change and no matter how ugly is the situation , we prefer to stay in a known ugliness than to take a risk to open a new door which finally will bring us to a new horizon You have taught all the women of the world a very big lesson and that is not to give up and look for the inner strength which is just within us. What you have done is absolutely right. Though I know initially you may feel insecure and afraid. But do not give up. Things will change and I am sure new doors will open to you. Just remember you have the right to live in peace and dignity which is your birth right and no body should have a power to deprive you from that.